Hi Doggielover, I think seeing a counselor is a great step in the right direction. You might also find help/ solace in a group of people who share a similar experience?

I can relate to going round and round in circles, trying to find explanations and meaning in something that just does not stand up to reason. It sounds like you are already at the point of knowing that that is something you will never accomplish. Now you have to let go. The more sources of help and support you can find for this the better for you. I wish you the best!