((( Scientia )))

You have high standards but seem afraid you will not be able to meet them, and that it is futile anyway.

You want life to make sense for you but seem afraid that it won't.

You want to live what is by your own personal standards a good and authentic life, yet feel this cannot be made to work.

So what is really going on? From my perspective. you are being consumed by your own worst fears, painful self-doubts and an absence of confidence. Anxious and depressed, perhaps. The positive thing is that you are questioning its validity - you did note that depressive realism isn't actually realistic, for one thing. I am beginning to see my own "It's pointless, it's worthless" thoughts as learned helplessness aka discouragement. Possibly that is what is going on here?