You said: " I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?"

So I wonder then why you see this process as necessary or even healthy.

I can relate to this, as it is my experience also. I also am more sad (actually it's much worse than that), and found it devastating to develop such intense longing for someone that I would only see 1 hr per week, and I also found it false after a while and desperately wanted authentic connection.