Hi all,

I'm going to be completely honest because I don't have much to lose anymore. Honestly, I've been depressed since I was a freshman in college. I think it started with the death of my dad just a couple weeks after classes started. On and off for about 3 years after that, it was minor most of the time, but there were many times when I would say I reached the level of major depression and was mildly suicidal (enough to contemplate, but not enough to plan/implement). Starting probably last summer, I entered another major depressive episode (again, this is my best guess; I've never seen a doctor so I can't be sure--psychology is one of the things I'm studying in college so I'm familiar with the signs but definitely not a doctor by any means), but this time it was different. I don't care to go into much detail about what happened but I had an interaction with another person and from then on started experiencing severe anxiety like I had never experienced before. I had been nervous before, anxious before a big test, all the normal things, but this was different. At first, I was just avoiding the situation where I came into contact with this person--even having a few panic attacks when approaching it after (this is probably a place I should go semi-often so I kept trying to go back but never made it). Then I started having anxiety whenever I would think of this situation...and then it shifted to where I was on edge nearly all the time--regarding school, regarding social situations, my friends, my job, the future, everything. I don't know how or why this happened but it did and the past 6 months have been hell for me. Anxiety has taken over my life and every day for me is spent in fear of everything around me. I can't sleep and that's all I want to do, either I'm not hungry at all or all I want to do is eat just to distract myself from the thoughts I'm having, I can't concentrate, I cry uncontrollably nearly every night. I’ve managed to kick about everyone out of my life who cared by secluding myself. I have one friend who is still sticking around sometimes, but I can’t know how much longer that’ll last. I think he cares, but I know discussing any of this with him would just make him really uncomfortable and I don’t want to take that risk and lose him. & I've started having serious thoughts of suicide. I've had fleeting thoughts like I said for years, but the past 6 months I see no way out anymore. It seems like the only option and I'm so scared. I graduate college next weekend and I have no plans after that. All of this feels like it has stolen my life from me. I've had good and bad semesters and I'm a pretty good student, but this semester has taken its toll and I'm now afraid my dreams of professional school are just that--dreams--and not attainable. For a lot of the time, I worked very, very hard. I can honestly say I tried my hardest given the different circumstances each time, but ultimately I failed. I have an on campus job until the end of the summer and after that I don’t know how I will make a living. The only thing that has stopped me from committing suicide is that I’m afraid of going to hell and disappointing God. I’ve disappointed everyone else and most days I wonder if it’s inevitable that I will disappoint Him as well…

So I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. Advice if you have any would be nice. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. But other than that, I’m sorry for the long message. I just really needed to get this off my chest for once… Peace and best wishes to you all.