I post here every few months or so. For those who don't know, I had a very challenging relationship with my mother. No sexual abuse, but psychological abuse and spankings when I was younger. I don't actually believe that is always abuse. Back in the 70s Black, Mexican and Asian families believed in corporal punishment. That type of activity is dying out I think.
Anyway, I digress. My mom died in March. I was able to make peace with her during her last days in a nursing home in NOVA. I was sorry she had to die away from home in CA.
It took 3 years of intense therapy to get me to a place where I could forgive her. Now that she's gone, its very hard. My grief is complex. Much different than when my dad died in 03. I was a daddy's girl and the first born. His death tore me apart. Very straight forward. But my mom's death has me second guessing myself and remembering the few good times there were with her. I wish I could have appreciated her more during the last few years. But she was so difficult to love and even harder to please. And I hated the way she treated my younger sister. We're both pretty screwed up because of her.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to feel. Still after a month. I'm in therapy and have been with this current therapist for 2 years. I'm working on it.

My professional career may be starting back up again, after 3 years of survival jobs. I'm sad that my mom isn't around to see it. And please guys, I know you mean well when you do it, but please don't say things like "she's in a better place," or "you'll see her again"...I'm Atheist. And while religious people may mean well, that only makes our grief harder to bear.

If anyone has advice on this or has gone through it, I'd love to hear something. Cos this sux!