I don't know what to do. I hate my life (NOT life itself, please understand that), I don't know what to do to fix things let alone fix whatever psychological issues I may have that led me here (I believe depression is a symptom of those issues), and I've been having negative thoughts of a kind I have literally never had before and am totally unprepared for. I need a new LIFE, not prepackaged dictums or reframing my freaking perspective. I have no idea how to even begin, I can't tolerate things as they are any more, and I'm getting passively resigned - that's the most aggravating part. I just passively observe things get worse.

Meds so far have been disappointing to say the least (been at that for almost twenty years, I'm definitely treatment resistant), I'm not sure what would work for therapy, my self-help techniques are barely managing to keep me marginally stable. I keep getting an enormous urge to shut people out for their own protection and press my self destruct button, as hard as possible. I'm not sure if it's truly suicidal ideation or just me finally having had way BEYOND enough with a life that is more aggravations and disappointments than anything meaningful or joy producing anymore. Just the same hamster wheel BS day after day after day after day, I want to rip the wheel out of the wall, tell life to go eff itself, and smash the cage to bits with the damned wheel. (I suspect that - metaphorically - I NEED to do that, before I have some kind of a breakdown).

I don't think I've ever felt this totally lost, alone, scared, furious, and discouraged. When I don't feel all that I just feel a numbness that's like nothing I've ever known. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

idk what to do. I really don't want to come across as helplessly whining, but I'm feeling WAY beyond my absolute limit. I've just been scared to make friends feel bad, and scared to admit that I feel horrible and fear nothing can be done to make objective improvements. I hate feeling this powerless and caged.

(and I'm now feeling embarrassed about former gratuitous use of the word "really", so I edited most of them out)