Oh my goodness. Professors sometimes can just be the absolute best or the absolute worst. I understand. Does your school have student accessibility services? I've used the one at my university for a few years and it has been an absolute lifesaver several times. You do have a ligament reason, not something that you just made up or are doing for attention. This is a very real issue that is absolutely life altering.

Maybe you could get someone higher up in the university to talk to that one prof. I've found that sometimes with extremely uncooperative people like this, the best (and sometimes only) way to get somewhere is to go higher up in the chain of command. Talk to that prof's supervisor's supervisor's supervisor if you need to. I've done it before. There is no shame in making them aware the discrimination you have had to face from that prof. That information is confidential and he had no right to ask for proof. And refusing "giving an unfair advantage" to someone with a real disability is absolute discrimination. Pretty much all universities take discrimination very seriously.

My friend, college does not have to be the pit of despair. It really can be a great time of life, but you need to speak up. Closed mouths don't get fed.

Does your uni have a counseling service? A lot of uni's offer the service for free. There is also usually the option to see a pdoc at the campus health center. I don't know if they put you on any meds while you were inpatient, but there definitely can be hope somewhere with therapy and meds.

Also, (because I've been there), you don't have to define yourself by your inpatient experiences or the previous 5150. You are so much more that this horrible disorder that is clouding your everyday life. There is so much more to life that depression loves to hide from you. It doesn't have to be that way, and you don't have to end it all because of that. Please please know, my friend, that YOU are so much more important than your education. It is OK to take a year off of school to get some intensive treatment if that's what you think you need. You're uni might even be willing to keep your scholarship waiting if you play your cards right.

You don't have to expect everything to be perfect again soon either. Beating ourselves up for the slip ups and mistakes we make is exactly what depression wants you to do. Healing is a journey, not a destination.

As for the suicidal ideation, my friend, there is so much I want to tell you, but I know that when those thoughts are so real it can be hard to hear. So just remember, tomorrow is always a new day. Try to keep track of the events/interactions that push you towards those thoughts, its helps keep your mind from blowing the situation out of proportion.

And above all, know that you are worth it. You are worth striving to regain your life back into your hands and continue pushing through. You are worth it. There is hope. It may not be visible at the moment, but it's there.

I apologize for this post being so long, I hope it didn't overwhelm you. I just genuinely feel for you because I have sat in a professors office with tears in my eyes trying to hold back a panic attack because they were so unbelievably uncooperative.

You are not alone in this.