My T says that the pain part of being attached is really about 1. Grieving other relationships, such as the parent relationship we never had and 2. Working through the issues that prevent us from feeling OK on our own, without anyone else. My T says that ideally I would one day have enough sense of my own worth as a human being that everyone could abandon me and I'd STILL believe in my own inherent value, still believe I was a good and loveable person. She says the love part of the relationship is the true part, while much of the pain part is from stories I tell.myself that are more rooted in my past than reality--- for example she doesn't respond to a voicemail and I think she doesn't care when in reality she never got it. I tell myself the same thing my mom told me--my T doesn't love me because I'm needy/annoying/worthless and therefore didn't return my call...that all comes from ME and is not related to the reality of our relationship.
In my case at least its true. I have often cried my heart out only to find that my T never felt or thought the things i thought she did.....