Hi Onyx. I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. I agree, it sux.

I think you did the right things grieving and letting go of the painful past. It is remarkable that you can feel some good times. That is a sign of letting go of the errors of the past your mom made.

One time my mother paddled my sister with the wooden paddle and it broke. My sister was bawling and I was crying out of empathy and my mother was crying. I think we are all children inside that have been neglected or hurt when children. That is so difficult and one reason I cut people slack and lower my expectations. It also helps me to remember they did the best they could. That is all anyone can do. That is how we can end it, by letting go and being a more positive self assured person.

Hope your professional career acts as a way to reinvent your self concept. After a trauma like you have gone through, after the guilt and regrets, there is an opportunity to recreate how we identify ourselves.

Feel free to reply or private message me if other things arise from this. I am in a support group now that helps me deal with things like this. It is great processing online but also nice to have somewhere to go where there are people who understand.

ALl the best on weathering this storm and setting sail again.