I haven't posted for awhile because I have been going through a intense period of depression. Aside from my now ended couples sessions, I had been going to T everyother week for about 9 months. Once in a while, I'd go once a week if she suggested it. I enjoyed talking to her and learning though one of the things I enjoyed the most was pushing back on her suggestions for ways that I could feel better. It isn't that I don't think her suggestions would make me feel better, I'm almost sure that they would. Its just that for some reason all I end up doing is throwing out objections and see if she can convince me otherwise.

Lately after I leave T I'd feel worse than before. I wanted her to save me from my depression, anxiety, pain of divorce etc etc etc. Logically I know she can't do this. I know it isn't her role. She can only help me to the extent that I tell her what I'm thinking and feeling. But, I'm a very private person. I don't share things with anyone and while I loved going to T I haven't taken the leap to share a lot with her or let her know what I want from her. So I got stuck....she wasn't giving me what I wanted in sessions, we'd jump from topic to topic and usually not get to what was really bothering me or talk about our theraputic relationship. I know what I should do is tell her these things, but I am not capable of doing this right now. Maybe I just don't want to take that risk right now. At the end of last session when she once again scheduled me for 2 weeks later it was just to much. So a week ago I left her a message that I couldn't make my session that would have been tomorrow.

I didn't really mean to test her response, but I was curious what T would do. It hurts that she hasn't called me back. I didn't ask her too, but I sort-of thought she'd call and see if I wanted to reschedule. She hasn't. I miss our conversations, but I'm not ready to open up more to her and our sessions are frustrating without me doing something to move them forward.