Quote:
Originally Posted by Onward2wards
((( Scientia )))
You have high standards but seem afraid you will not be able to meet them, and that it is futile anyway.
You want life to make sense for you but seem afraid that it won't.
You want to live what is by your own personal standards a good and authentic life, yet feel this cannot be made to work.
So what is really going on? From my perspective. you are being consumed by your own worst fears, painful self-doubts and an absence of confidence. Anxious and depressed, perhaps. The positive thing is that you are questioning its validity - you did note that depressive realism isn't actually realistic, for one thing. I am beginning to see my own "It's pointless, it's worthless" thoughts as learned helplessness aka discouragement. Possibly that is what is going on here?
|
Maybe. I don't know. It sort of disappeared yesterday; it was weird. I've basically been normal since then. It almost feels like that whole incident didn't even happen but was some weird dream, though it obviously did.
It was certainly consuming in a way - I couldn't think, couldn't function, couldn't do anything. What I wanted, or thought I did, was a justification for living how I want, for taking life seriously, for doing anything. But if acting that way is wrong, I'd look ridiculous. If it's all for nothing, what business do I have caring about it so stupidly? If I'll just be working for nothing, why work at all? If my valuations are, by definition, false, and trying to say "they matter to me and that's all that matters" is self-delusion, what can I do that's valid?
I think something flipped in my mind to just stop caring.