My mother passed away a little over a year ago in January of 2015. We didn't really make peace with each other. Some days I can go without even a thought of her. Others I realize I had so many things I wanted to say and feel remorse for letting it slip by me. I feel angry that she never could stop using others, even her own children. I grieve for a mother I wish I'd had and know that it's too late for that. I never had a father figure either and so she took everything with her when she died. Just like a tornado, ran through a quick destructive life and dissipated leaving behind the damage.

My mother was a difficult person to love. She was verbally and physically abusive. She's even let her boyfriends do things to me and turn a blind eye. It was once revealed my virginity was sold to one of these men she called my "Uncle". She gladly got my older brother addicted to many drugs as well and she would offer them to me. Luckily I only went so far as to smoke weed. When my brother added meth into a pipe one day and then proceeded to touch me sexually, the feelings scared me so much, I'm pretty sure I've got some form of PTSD.

My mother died alone of heart failure and no one found out until the next day. I remember crying but I think for me it was because I was terrified of what type of debt/mess she'd left me to clean up. I was bitter that she never once, ever, tried to change even when I'd reached out to her numerous times earlier on to try to talk through my childhood.

At any rate, sorry about me rambling on about my mother.

You're probably feeling a bit of survivors grief, you may be even feeling relief (As horrible as that sounds), it's okay to have all these "What if" feelings floating around in your head and heart. Just remember that you did try to make peace. Even if she was difficult, you DID still try. It's okay to take some time to sort through this barrage of uncomfortable feelings.

It's only been a month! You can't expect yourself to feel and work through everything this complex in that amount of time reasonably. Remember, time can heal. You might have to suffer a while and I'm not gonna lie, it probably will be very difficult. Just accept that you're feeling the way you are, keep talking about it, let yourself take each day one at a time. I won't say she's in a better place or you'll see her again, however I will say she's no longer suffering. My mother's life was a cascade of misery and now she's free from it. I don't know the situation behind your mother's death so I'm hoping that was not insensitive on my part.

TL;DR It's only been a month, give yourself time to work through this. You've had a complicated relationship while she was alive, now that she's gone it'll be a bit complicated too. Talk about it, work through it, let yourself feel anything that may come your way. Time is the only solution here.

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