I had this intrusive thought today that reminded me of another thing- I lack inhibition. I always considered this as a feature of my meds induced manic states, but when I really think about it, I've been having it before taking anything and I still do. It's not that I completely lack it, for example: I know for sure that I don't ever want to do drugs and I actually knew - for a short amount of time - people who were drug addicts, surrounding themselves with lots of stuff and yet I NEVER even tried to take anything, no matter what. The same goes for having sex with men, although I've been participating in a weird, possibly dangerous and completely thoughtless sexual acts at some point in my life.

Yet, what I mean by lacking inhibition is that:

As a kid, I would kick other kids and talk very nasty stuff, whatever came to my mind.
I would have severe rage outbursts with destroying my stuff etc.

I've been in trouble at school for shouting at people, screaming and swearing a lot. For example, I was frustrated after an exam, so I went outside and - not noticing that there are teachers standing close to me - was like "FU*K, WHAT KIND OF S*IT WAS THAT?? SCREW THIS, THEY'RE FU*CKED UP". Well, that didn't make a good impression, especially that I'm a girl. I'm trying to control this stuff NOW, but it was bad at some point. I've been also making some random, nasty comments to people I know, before I even think that it could hurt them. Very inappropriate. My language can still be pretty bad in some situations.

Another one is pretty embarassing, but - apart from engaging into some weird sexual stuff when I was about 17 and was never able to take pleasure from it - I have this thing with lacking inhibition in showing my body off. I have some pretty nasty memories from parties (That's why I probably don't drink anymore and don't attend them) including this. This was actually what my intrusive thought was about (,,What if I go crazy and take off my clothes and go outside...")

Especially when I drink the borders between my ideas and making them real are, well, almost nonexistent. Actually I would consider some of my sexual behaviour very compulsive (I also have sexual intrusive thoughts but the trouble is they don't always make me scared or uneasy. I generally have some sex related issues which is strange, because I don't have any "normal" sex life- that would require some social skills)

I also have dermatillomania.