I hate trying to identify my feelings. Actually I just hate them - period. Well, the two polar extremes the most.

I whined and complained about how I wasn't able to see my T a while ago (few days maybe?) ... still haven't been able to. Today I would have normally seen him.

I phoned Health Services today (I see my T through my university) and I couldn't get ahold of ANYONE to book an appt. (problem with administrative issues at the moment ... strike, boo). One of my friends is trying to help me out, but told me I really should try to contact my T.

And I wasn't able to.

And I know it's not his fault, but this feels like abandonment. (I so hate that word, if T knew I actually used it, he'd probably be shocked because I have a physical bad reaction to it). I need him. He's not there. I WANT MY T. I need someone to calm me down.

Also, the abuse centre he referred me to was supposed to phone me back - over a week ago. And they didn't. And I'm too scared to phone back and ask what happened. Because I'm rejected again.

Nobody wants to help me. I get the message. I don't deserve help.

I don't know if I can ever go back to T again. I *want* to, but maybe I'm too difficult. Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe I'm too screwed up and it's been too long - and it's only been just under 2 weeks - since I've seen him, and we can never ever get a connection again.

I risked trusting him. With everything.

And now he isn't here.

And now I'm going to go sulk and pity myself.