I was about 110 lbs from middle school into my 20s. Once I moved in with my husband I gave up being a vegetarian and started eating fast food again which I hadn't done for years. Then I started gaining weight. Went up to about 130. Had my son, kept an extra fifteen pounds. Stayed mainly between 145 and 150 until this past fall. I went on Effexor and suddenly I was absolutely ravenous all the time. And when I'm really hungry I do not make good choices. So even though I went off the Effexor within a month, I somehow managed to gain about twenty pounds over the winter. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (besides pregnancy) and wearing the largest size. I had to buy all new clothes and will have to buy all new shorts for the summer.

But...I don't ****ing care. I've hated my body since I was ten years old. Struggled with going between starving myself and bingeing. Now I feel like what's the point? Why do I hate myself so much? Just because society says it's wrong to be overweight? **** that. I don't care. I'm comfortable in my clothes and comfortable with my new weight. I don't starve myself. I do try to eat healthy for health's sake, but I'm not ruled by that number on the scale anymore. I'm not morbidly obese. My weight is not affecting my health. So guess what? I don't care. Sometimes I think I'll never find another man because I'm not attractive enough, but then I think why would I want to be with a man who won't date me if I'm overweight? That's not the kind of man I want anyway.

So yeah, I've gained weight. And I'm fine with it. I'm tired of pouring so much energy into self hatred.

Now I do still keep track of my calories and what I eat because I don't want to gain any more, simply because I don't want to keep having to buy new clothes and I don't want to run into medical problems. So I make sure to eat less than 1600 cals most days. But some days, like today, I have a bad day emotionally and I decide I'm going to have a cheat day. Today I've eaten like crap all day and I don't care. It's one day. I'll eat better tomorrow. And I will. I'm able to have a cheat day and then get back on track the next few days.

So yeah. **** anyone who thinks I'm unattractive because I'm overweight. I like food. Sue me.