Hello Michael 77,

Being nice as you describe it means being phoney and only being and saying what your parents allowed, am I right? It is a way of painting a lie on what is really happening , and I recognize this myself-from some of my own life spent with alcoholic parents.

ITs not even about being nice, rather it's one way an alcoholic can control things in the family. Anger cant be expressed because its isnt nice. Being hurt cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Disagreeing cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Standing up for yoruself cant be expressed because that isnt nice.

Control and denial --that is what this is. ITs so important for the parents to maintain control and be able to deny their own problems and responsibilities that they come up consicously or not with this way of controlling other family members.

When we object or try to speak out or defend ourselves we often hear, "we dont talk about that. Thats not true! Shame on you! You dont love me! how can you say that and say you love me!"

When parents answer their kids with these replies they tend to make a child more compliant and less resistant to expressing their true thoughts and feelings. the kid is punished for their honesty and insights into what is truly going on. This is all taped over in the name of being" nice."
Being nice might translate better into, " be our doormat." Help us cover up what is really going on here.
It is part of the sickness that drives the family dynamics in an alcoholic home. Yes, being too nice can be a really bad thing. I lived in a house where resistance was not allowed. After enough time, I could enver stand up for myself or even say no to someone. That was exactly what was desired. It had nothing to do with being a good or bad person, it had everything to do with compliance and not ever rocking the family boat.