Hello Trailrunner,

Like you, my birth family was abusive and then I ended up marrying someone abusive. It is ironic since I married in order to get away from my birth family abuse!

You bring up a real important point here; the need for having a safe and validating environment in which you can live without extra fears and worries while processing and working through the traumas of the past that ended up with your being dissociative.

I also 'go away' when my husband leans on me. I shut off My eyes fix and I shut off.

Past history:My family was sick and my marriage was abusive and violent.
when it ever came to standing up for me my parents always chose to defend my husband instead. what did you do to amke him hurt you?
That sort of crap.

What I am thinking here is that maybe you will get to a point where you need to get away from your husband.

this was the case for me. I had to leave my husband. This was after our children were grown and I was free to leave. I had never lived alone before and I had never had the expereince of living on my own and making and being responsible for my own choices and decisions. As a young girl I was put in a mental institution and I was there for years on and off until I met the man I married. I was insitutionalized to some degree. I was on drugs that I didnt need but were given to all patients. The compliance I was subjected to in my family home was reenforced by the rules of the institution.

Looking back, I have come to beleive that it is essential for recovery that a person live in a safe and supportive environment. For me, that meant I lived on my own. I disconnected myself from both birth family and husband. I no longer put myself in positions where I had to defend myself against abuse or violence. My only objective was to live freely and learn who i was and how I could have a future without being all over the place.(DID)

Of course, my birth family and husband objected to my doing these things. The truth is, they liked the way we had lived before. They were uesd to being in cahrge and manipulating me via fear of violence or rejection or shaming or whatever they could do to get what they wanted.

Its like when you marry an alcoholic and you are also an alcholic and then you stop drinking and the other person gets mad that you are getting healthy. ITs hard for that to work. EVeryone has to be on the same page and ahve the same basic goals.

You have taken on a lot and your are working through a lot. Be kind and gentle with yourself but do not let anyone get violent with or hurt you.