I've been sleeping well. Today I tried to walk to treatment again (it is only a 15 minute walk and I can practice DBT Mindfulness Walking while I go there) but I ran out of breath at the end of my block and thought my heart was going to explode on the short walk back to my house. Talking less than 3 minutes of walking. If I couldn't manage to meet people and make friends when at least I could have fun dancing there is no way I even want to try if I can't stand up and socialize for 3 minutes.

Went to DBSA again tonight but there was one disturbingly disruptive person there so I didn't even try to talk and I just ducked out quickly when it was over. This was not my regular group and I had no desire to try to stick around and get to know anyone.

I think I am simply out of steam. They encouraged me today in PH to make a choice about what I want my future to be and also to give myself permission to ponder the question without making an answer until I feel ready.

I do feel ready but the answer is that choice A trying to repeat the last 10 years in hopes of it turning out differently is not a choice I want and choice B accept that I no longer want to keep trying and decide I'll be OK being alone forever is not a choice I want (this is where I was long ago and I wish I had just left myself in that frame of mind then I would be alone and I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be depressed today) and all I really want is choice C to just end it all now like I wish I had done several months ago and saved myself all of this additional grief and effort.

I am just so tired and in so much pain, and there is no one around to miss me first hand except work.

And oh I got an email from work when I got home today asking to return the stuff for one of the projects I was working on at home. They want the stuff back they are taking the project away from me. So that was fun. After the DBSA meeting I put the stuff in my car, drove it there, and left it on my desk. They'll find it there in the morning.