My experience is I envy the lack of emotional pain that they, the deceased, must no longer have. I wonder what the end must have felt like for them. Did it hurt? Were they happy for a brief period of time? I imagine their last heartbeat, their last breath as if it were my own. I believe that once suicide is a conscious thought, it never comes off the table as a possible alternative to living. I'm not saying I will never do it, but I am saying I don't want to hurt anyone who loves me.