So tonight I was going to quit group therapy. Ready to tell everyone I needed a break. I'd had a miserable day (T called me once, returning a call from Friday) but was going to try to at least speak up about how things are going. But anyway.

When I got there tonight, only 2 other members besides T showed up (the group is 6 people + T), so it was half-size. The 2 who showed up were the only 2 males in the group (besides T). So it was me and 3 men. And suddenly all the attention was on me. T came over and sat on a chair close to me -- strange but I loved it. Upon questioning I tried to talk a little about how things were going. It slowly got easier to talk. An hour into an hour-15-minute session I realized that I was feeling better. I relaxed a lot. I think I might actually have been sorry when it ended. Go figure.

So maybe I just need group to be with all men?

I don't know what the deal was. Maybe just that things have been so bad lately. I even told them I was thinking I wanted a break from group. But by later on I knew I'd be coming back. That was a good feeling. I even told them I was miserable after the last session and talked some about that.

God am I all over the place about group or what? Maybe it's just the break from total isolation: This past week was the lowest I've ever felt. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat, I couldn't carry on a conversation without becoming wholly distracted, and being around anyone upset me (just the question "how's it going?" upset me). I felt hopeless every moment and cried a lot.

Tonight I had wine for dinner, followed by cereal and hot chocolate for dessert. Healthy, eh? At least I was feeling a little more upbeat even if I have no appetite.

Tomorrow I have individual therapy (oops, originally typed group here). Looking forward to that. Then I'm back to dealing with everything alone again for the rest of the week. Dread that part.

Thanks for listening. Make what you will of my inconsistencies about group, I never know what to make of it.

Sidony