I kind of had an anxiety outburst again this morning with JD. It was just a quick reaction to something he said, and I was immediately like, "Argh, no, stop. I'm sorry. It isn't about you..." I'm stressed to the max re: work right now, and I am having an unusually difficult time with anxiety, and keeping the cognitive distortions at bay. I have so many in my brain that I can't sort them out. And I don't know what to do. I've tried meditating, exercising, walking, I just sat on the beach (it was cold and windy)... But here I am, still with this knot in the put of my stomach, scared that with every interaction, I'm pushing him further away from me because I'm so anxious about other stuff I'm not acting in a very pleasant manner.

It really is mostly my job. It used to be that was the one constant, stable thing in my life, and now there is a ton of uncertainty, and there will be a huge transition, soon. Things are inherently uncertain with JD because whatever we have (a relationship? A good friendship? A flirtation? What?) is so long distance. I trust what he says. I do. I trust his affection for me. But I don't know for sure that there aren't others with whom he has similar correspondence, and I couldn't really be mad, because there is no understanding of exclusivity. To demand that would be silly. But...I can't compete with someone else, and I don't want to. I'm anxious because I am afraid to put myself out there further because what if his feelings don't really match mine? They seem to, but I am also the one asking to visit, I am the one asking to Skype, and etc. He has a lot on his plate and is often out of energy by the end of the day, but so am I. I guess...I guess I just need something important to me to have some certainty. Does that make sense? And I feel like I'm just getting more clingy and more demanding. And I'm beginning to dislike myself for it...even though, when I am feeling good otherwise, I feel good about him, and he's a super bright spot in my day.