Okay, I need to dump this here.

I've been barely functional for almost a week, then today my brain finally kicked back into gear.

I've also written on this site how I've been unemployed for years and on welfare for almost a year, and how much it distresses me.

Well, it kicked in again and I've been a jittery mess trying to compensate by submitting mindless applications on Indeed...then I broke down and went onto CityData, to read about how anyone who can't pull their weight should be executed, how useless, lazy and weak my generation is, and indirectly, what an awful, despicable, evil scum-of-the-earth person I am. I hate it. I hate what I am. I hate that nothing will ever be able to change it - even if I clawed my way up from a low-end job, paid off all my debts of conscience, became totally self-sufficient, I will never be able to say I've never taken a handout, never taken welfare; I can't be like my mother who would rather die in the street than take benefits. In fact, apparently, I should be dead. A single, able-bodied, childless person should not be able to receive welfare; apparently, I only got in because an advocate from the psych ward believed I was abused at home. I wasn't. I deserve to be dead. I might actually ask them to close my case tomorrow, since I have an appointment there.

At least I'm fully immersed in reality again, but oh god, is it any wonder I preferred to be obsessed with abstractions?

Oh, and of course, posts like this, my entire online life is also despicable - whining instead of doing something about it, crying about my "mental health problems" that no one actually cares about and probably aren't real.

It's true, I'm a generational stereotype: lazy as all hell, entitled, gives up easily, stupid beyond belief, was coddled and babied like crazy growing up, utterly worthless in every regard and I'm freaking out. There's failure everywhere; even my panic and pain are just signs of how weak and inferior and doomed I am.

I just needed to write this to calm down a little.