I've really been struggling to open up to my t. A while back I tried to tell her about csa but from what I worked out I dissociated and she asked me what I was thinking which made me jump and then I couldn't speak and ended up changing the subject and she commented that I deflected. Last session I got the feeling she was trying to get me to open up more for her and I started feeling really weird like I was shrinking inside myself and I started to panic inside and managed to tell her about other stuff and she didn't comment on me deflecting so I don't know if she noticed. She keeps asking me how I feel about my mum and the way my family were and she made a comment that often I said I don't know and that it's a deflective answer as I'm not allowing myself to open up but the thing is I really don't know how I feel as I feel like I should feel something but often I don't or feel like I'm feeling stuff wrong as by my family and my ex they would often tell me what I am feeling or not even if they were wrong they would be adamant they were right.

Work want me to change my day off so I talked about it in t and asked if she would be able to do do the other day and she said yes that's fine she sees someone at 9.30 but is available at 10.30 and if I need to change I can text her. Well my days haven't changed yet but the day I'm meant to see her I'm going to a funeral but I've got that new day off as toil so I text and explained it to her and she texted back saying yes but she got to confirm time. That was yesturday and I still haven't heard anything. I know it sounds stupid but it's thrown me how she can't just say yes at 10.30 like she said she could do

I know it sounds stupid but I was starting to trust her which is really hard for me as I keep everyone at a distance and she says I can trust her and she feels sad about my story so far, not sure how I feel about that as how am I meant to tell her about the bad stuff if I've only told her the basics and that makes her sad I don't know what to do. I want to tell her I really do but I'm scared of dissociating again and then afterwards talking about stuff that I can't remember and I want to feel close to her but at the moment I just feel everything she's said to me so far is a load of lies to try and get me talking and at the end of the day I'm just someone that she gets paid to spend time with and that she doesn't care. I don't know what to do. I don't think it helps that I've been seeing her since Nov fortnightly and in session she always seems warm and caring but in the texts she seems distant and formal