Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003
I just want to say I am going through this exact thing right now. The past two weeks, I"ve felt extremely ashamed of my need to e-mail my T during the week. We talked about it a bit on monday, and she reassured me I am not bothering her, and have nothing to be ashamed about.
Well, that didn't last...and last night I e-mailed her a long message, and today spent all morning regretting it. I was beating myself up for "giving in" and emailing her again so soon after a session, when it could wait. She e-mailed me back a response, and it was ok...except I read a subtext in it that she was COMPLETELY annoyed with me. She wanted me to stop self-medicating for my depression, and do healthier things (ie: stop bothering her!!)
I was on the verge of tears, and decided to try and be brave and directly asked her if she was upset at me at all. I told her that it would almost be a relief to hear she was sick of me, because I keep waiting and waiting for it. I told her I felt like I was about to throw up all over my phone, i was so anxious.
She wrote back that she wasn't upset at me at all, and it would be really gross if i threw up all over my phone  haha.
It is HARD. My doubts aren't magically disappearing about this, because I still am convinced I am annoying. For right now, she seems ok with this constant reassurance.
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Right!! No matter how many times my T reassures me that I'm not a bother, I still think shes just saying that out of politeness and everytime she gets an email she gets sick of it and says ugh not again!
I am going to force myself to not email my T until the next session to see if she noticed that I didnt and ask why I didnt. Although, I am planning on opening up more next session because lately ive been gaining more trust and safety with my T, finally after nearly 2 years. I just hope things get easier. I had no clue opening up would ever be this hard!