I’ve been through a lot within the last 11 years and I guess I’ve gotten to the point where it’s all just bull to me. I’ve been assaulted, violated, beaten, manipulated, cheated, and taken advantage of.. etc. Whatever hopes and dreams I once had for myself are gone. They’re dead. I’m just a shell, I just breath and react to my environment… The best way I can describe it is being the background crowd in the photograph. One of the “extras” It’s surreal and in a bad way.

All problems at this point just seem petty, they’re grey areas and that’s all they are. I guess it’s so much that it’s all just… unamusing. I have no one to confide these thought or feelings to any more, It’s just me, alone. ALL.THE.TIME. I’m starting to realize that those who are truly happy are either

A) Truly happy with their life and what they’ve made out of it.
Or
B) Truly ignorant about life and as an old saying goes “ignorance is bliss”

It’s starting to seem like people lean towards option B…

The “happiest” of people that I’ve met so far don’t know what it’s like to have depression, suicidal thoughts, triggers, anxieties, voices… Disorders, disorders, ”disorders. Then again, I’m told by people from my support group and therapy sessions that this life is “worth it.” All of their talk seems so hypocritical…

I can’t tell anyone what my plans are without getting some B.S. excuse among the lines of “It gets better” or “you need to change your thinking”, “get out of your environment.” I’ve been the same way for years now. When does any of this get better? I’ve been through therapy, taken meds, got out, explored, meet new people… I want to exit my own life and I guess all I want is for someone to just be there and try not to reason with me, and when the time comes… just be there. That’s all I really want now.

What do I have to lose when I have nothing to lose but my own mind and body? What else is left? Now that I think about it, exiting, and doing it for yourself isn’t weak… When someone tells me to think about the “survivors” I’m just like; “Have you ever thought about what their final moments were like, the intensity of those feelings they had??"

Is it even selfish to want to go all out and lose your screws? While I’m living and breathing on this earth I get treated like I’m worthless, but the minute I cut my ropes… That’s when people start caring… Seems ironic really.

Am I alone with this thinking?