sometimes... i need to take a break from posting on mental health forums because i think posting to them is getting me down. sometimes... posting on mental health forums does get me down.

part of it is about... identifying with people who have similar conditions / diagnoses. then you see them really struggle and get to thinking about how you really struggle too. and there can be something of a downward spiral into a fairly bad place.

part of it is about... thinking about and reflecting on stuff that is 'wrong' with me. accessing the vulnerable feelings instead of focusing my energy on my work. sometimes that can be a downward spiral too.

sometimes i wake up in the morning and think 'i'm going to have a productive day today! i'm going to go to the library and spend 3 hours working on this paper... then i'm going to have a nice lunch in the sun... then i'm going to go to this talk...' and it seems like it is going to be a good day. then i think 'i'll just check my email and some boards' and by the time i've done that... my blood is boiling over some conflict and / or i'm in tears over something that really touched me and brought up all my little kid vulnerable feelings and / or i'm worrying about how to respond to someone and / or i'm spiralling down that big black hole. and... there goes my day, basically.

i think part of it is about... figuring out what is right for you. different people have different levels of involvement and i really do think that is fine. peoples levels of involvement changes over time depending on where they are at and i really do think that that is fine too. the boards are here to help, basically, and you need to figure how they are best able to help you.

one thing that helps me... is helping others. it helps because it results in my feeling like a decent and worthwhile human being. if i spend a few hours posting to other people and they seem to appreciate my responses then i get all warm fuzzy glowing feelings inside. but othertimes i really can't spare the time. or... i really shouldn't spare the time. if i try and spare the time i %#@&#! people off because i'm in 'work mode' aka 'analytic mode' because half my mind is on writing some critical paper and half is on trying to hear what people are saying... and i'm more likely to miss the mark and say stuff that i should be saving for my academic work lol. hard sometimes...

dunno. but i really don't think you need to feel bad.

i'm a bit caught with respect to my self concept. past diagnoses include: depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, borderline personalitly, dissociative identity disorder. which of those do i want to take on board? basically... none. mwah haha i'd rather write something to undermine the whole frigging mess of self fulfilling prophecies and the bastards who thought it was a good idea to categorise me thus and prophesise doom and gloom. assholes. take that psychiatric bible :-p

(yes i'm fully %#@&#! crazy by the way)
;-)

and... its well past my bedtime.

zzz