So I just had the worst T session ever tonight. T and I literally sat in silence for 20 mins because I just couldn't talk and the longer we sat in silence the harder it was for me to talk. It was horrible. I am so angry at T. I went from feeling so connected to her and idealising her last session to actually hating her this session. During that 20min silence I actually started to tear up which was a big deal for me as I have never cried in the almost 3 years I've been in therapy and T was too busy writing notes to even notice. I was literally screaming at her in my head "LOOK AT ME! WHY WONT YOU LOOK AT ME?!". I just wanted to storm out the room and say "F you T, I QUIT!". I regret even starting this therapy journey again. I feel worse than ever. During the session I just kept thinking "I want to die. I want to die. I want to die".

All of this was triggered by the fact that I may only be able to see T fortnightly due to financial reasons. T presented me with about 4 different payment options which are all pretty terrible. I can't be bothered to go into detail about them now but yeah... it really highlighted the fact that I'm just a client and these sessions are merely a business transaction.