So last night, I was frantic after work, running around trying to find something for my living room that I could actually sit on...I just moved and I threw my old sofa out so I have no seating in the living room but that's where my tv is. So if I want to watch tv I needed at least a comfortable chair to sit on. Then I was frantic about getting food. I don't know where all this anxiety came from to get certain things done. Then I started to get stressed that my apartment is full of boxes and nothing is unpacked. And I want to start cooking and eating healthy again but I can't right now because nothing is unpacked...And then I have floating around in my head all the terrible things my ex-roommate said to me about me. Basically that I'm a filthy person who doesn't ever clean or who doesn't clean well enough (taken with a grain of salt, of course, because I have figured out that she is (and I mean clinically) OCD.

I wanted to SH so badly. I knew where there was a lighter, and I was thinking about a place I could do it where no one at work would see or notice. I was remembering how good it felt in the past...I wanted so badly to SH. I kept thinking about the box cutter in the other room and though...geez...I could just go do a little cut somewhere no one would notice...I miss the blood flowing out of the cuts and the satisfaction that would give me.

I've been 10 months without an incident, and frankly, without a real urge, but it's so bad lately, I don't know how much longer I can last with this amount of stress. I just don't. I feel like I'm doomed that it's going to happen sooner or later no matter what I do.