This is my first post ever. I am here today because I feel very frustrated. I don't know if I just need suggestions or just to vent. Some aspects of my life in general are a bit sad. Ever since I can remember, my parents would complain about me. I am an introvert and have always struggled to focus. I started visiting therapists since I was 3 years old. Nobody ever found what was "wrong with me". I also had problems with one of my legs and used some uncomfortable wires around my legs for a couple of years. I have always felt lonely and like an outcast. I have been bullied most of my life. My older brother was abusive with me, mentally and physically. My mother was always saying how disappointed she was about me and my father always took advantage of every chance he had to put me down.
To make matters worse, I've always been unattractive. I still keep in mind those teenage dances I would go to, in which I'd just sit down all night watching the rest of the couples dancing. I dreamed that one day, my life would be like a Disney movie and I would turn from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. This never happened of course.
As I grew up, my face features started becoming stronger. I ended up being quite tall, with a large strong jaw, large hands, and manly features in general. I have been asked if I am a transsexual several times.
I have very few friends because of my insecurities. Even though I try to be friendly, very few people seem to want to keep close to me. I must say I am thankful for the real friends I have, but most of the time I feel lonely.
I live on my own which kills me sometimes. I hate getting back home every evening and not having anyone to share my life with. I will be 31 soon and most people my age have a significant other. Men are rarely attracted to me.
Lately, it seems as if the only way I can get a date is by using online dating cites. Quite frankly, it is not my thing. Those sites are full of men with hidden agendas, unstable in one way or another or just want sex or want me to send them nude pics of me. Lately it seems as if very few men want to commit. If they do, they go for the hottest girl they can get and feel proud of.
I think I will die alone and I cry almost every day because of this. I've always felt sad throughout my life but in the past year and a half it has been getting worse. I just don't enjoy my life anymore and I hate being myself. I even developed a drinking problem due to my loneliness and constant rejections.
The last time I really liked someone was a disaster, as it always is. He was still in love with his ex and would always say how wonderful, beautiful and great she is and that she is better than me (yes, with those exact words). He told me I'm not the girl for him because he wants to be with a very beautiful thin woman. He broke my heart and destroyed the few self esteem I had left.
Since then, I haven't been the same. I grew up believing in God but even in that aspect, I feel disappointed and lost my faith. I feel that if he does exist, he doesn't love me because he has permitted people to treat me so badly all of my life. The guys I like, never like me and the ones that like me, I don't like no matter how much I try to get to know them and give them a chance. Sometimes I feel I will never experience love, at least not one in which I am loved back. I also think I am getting too old and in this world full of beautiful younger women, who would ever want to be with me? I've had suicidal thoughts and I think my life doesn't make any sense at all. All I do is be lonely, be rejected and insulted. How do other women manage to go from one relationship to another? How do other women get guys to flirt with them and notice them? How do other women get men to love them? I have been thinking that if I don't find someone by the time I'm 35, I will definitely kill myself because I don't want to end up alone. I've done everything I can and still, my situation doesn't change. I can only count on a miracle. My situation is so bad that when I go out, men say and do rude and hurtful things to me, things I don't deserve. I feel very helpless because there is nothing I can do, but just deal with it and be forced to live a lonely life I hate. Not even makeup and makeovers help. I can spend hours getting "pretty" to go out and I just end up sitting on my own all night while my friends dance and get guys to flirt with them and buy them drinks. Is it worth living like this?