I just realized what is causing me to want to isolate, it's responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for anything. Not a job, not my home, nothing. Just thinking about it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. That was one of the problems with work. When I was asked to work a job with more responsibility I had a panic attack and called my boss and told him I couldn't work there. After a few weeks he placed me in a location that has only the amount of responsibility I want to apply to it. There is a lot of work to do but I can arrange my day around my issues with anxiety. When I was little I felt I was responsible to maintain the safety in the house. That I needed to break up the fights or try to prevent them. I felt responsible for the safety of my sister and brother. I thought if I stood between them and the insanity they would be ok and I could keep my mother and sister from killing each other. I remember deciding that that is what I would do. I think I was seven. Maybe younger. Maybe that is why the idea of responsibility causes such anxiety. I didn't mind responsibility when I was in my twenties, thirties but in my mid forties I started to struggle with it. I moved around in jobs both full time and part time. In fact there were times when I had three jobs at a time. I know now that was to occupy my mind so I wouldn't get lost. It feels good to write this. Maybe I will talk to my t and ask if there is a way to work with the anxiety related to the feeling of having to be responsible in the present.