Okay, forgive my tone if it's blunt. I mean this from a place of love.

Drinking, cutting, pills...that's not your identity. That's your illness. Perhaps you've had your illness so long that you don't know who YOU are anymore. Of course it feels good to relapse, then you don't have to deal with real emotions, you can numb yourself to the world around you. Dealing with life is hard, but no real happiness can come from continuing to self harm.

Have you ever heard of the term "reparenting"? I think, just my opinion from what little I know, that you would benefit from learning how to reparent yourself. I think also you need to try new things and find out what are the thinks you like and dislike and what really makes up the person you are.

I very much identify with not understanding your own identity, it can make for a lot of pain and suffering. Do you have T or pdoc that you see?

Seesaw