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Originally Posted by Hans_Olo
I don't know what to do. My relationship with my mom had become very bad as of lately. She told me that my negativity and bad mood is killing her. The last few days we've been quarelling every time I come home. I immediately try to go to the furthest room or go jogging but she follows me eager to know how I feel. She wants to see me shining from happiness, but it's not for me. I'm very anxious about my mom's wellbeing and asked her to care more about her health. Now she uses that against me in every conversation. She tells me my good mood is her only requirement for her health and that I'm killing her. The curious thing is that I was rather depressed a month ago and since then I'm so much better. She says I come home everyday with only negativity. I don't know what to do. I considered stopping my communications with her or moving away(which isn't really possible). She is the only person I've ever cared about and my very existence seems to be harming her. I could just lie, but I hate it and it doesn't work on my mom. What should I do?
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Im sorry but we can not tell you what you should do, only you know what you should do, what will help you and your moms relationship.
on the other hand we can tell you what helps ourselves with family relationships...
when someone tells me their life depends upon my moods I laugh and say something like so if i jump of a bridge does that mean you will too? that usually shocks them into saying "what?!" then i say your happiness should depend upon you and your own life not on what my life and happiness is. then I use some contrasting examples....I like this you dont like it, you like this and I cant stand it. we are family and nothing changes that but we can also be individuals with our own lives too. my plans for today are..... whats your plans for today? one part of when people get emeshed / dependancy on each other's happiness is because of loneliness, just needing a bit of attention. so i take time each day checking in with that person on how things are going for them, whether theres something I can help them with, make plans where we can do things together...
one thing I noticed with family who have older children is that parents never stop worrying about their child even when that child is an adult. they go through a problem called the empty nest where they feel like their child is leaving them, that their relationship is going down hill, that they (the parent ) is all alone and gosh dang it why wont that child of mine talk with me now that they are an adult. the result of all this worry is that the parents happiness level goes down.
one thing my own treatment provider told me about this was remember your parent put their life on hold to spend 18, 20 what have you years invested in you, so of course when its time to start letting go, its going to be hard for them to switch mindsets to where their own happiness doesnt depend upon making their childs meals, getting that child things they like, making sure their child is mentally and physically happy/well.
my suggestion instead of avoiding your mom, spend some time with her talking about the good things in your life. when your mom sees you are fine and still part of her life maybe she will be able to forge her own life that is also separate from you.