Not sure if this needs a trigger warning, but since it does deal with sex stuff, wanted to give a heads up.

As many of you know, I see both an individual T and a marriage counselor. One reason (of many reasons!) we're in marriage counseling is due to sexual issues (mostly mine), like lack of desire (at times in general and at other times specifically regarding my H) and just some other...issues.

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday with T regarding some of those issues. These are issues I've probably had throughout my life going back to childhood, related to OCD, self-worth, etc. that have probably affected me in numerous relationships. (This is all like stuff in my head, not something that happened to me.) I opened up to T about part of it a few months ago, and I think she's the first person I've told about some of it. I was nervous to go back to her again and didn't talk about it again for a couple months. But it was related to something else, so it came up, and she gently pushed me to talk about it a bit more. And I had some "aha!" moments and think I (and she) gained new insight into my sexual issues.

Part of me is like "no way could I ever tell H about this...there's no way he'd ever understand, and he'd probably just be confused and weirded out and never want to have sex with me again." But then the other part of me is like, "Maybe keeping all this in is part of what's blocking me sexually with him, and if I shared with him, maybe he'd also understand that it's not something personal about him, but just in how I relate to sex in general."

The other wrinkle, of course, is that I feel very awkward talking about sex in front of MC both because he's a guy and because of the whole transference thing (sometimes paternal, sometimes erotic--either way, talking about sex with him is weird for me!). We've talked about some sex stuff in there before, and I usually end up staring at the floor during it, invariably turning red, and having a difficult time looking at either MC or H. (The worst was a time we were talking about an attempt at role-playing I did that H was weirded out by and went into great detail about in session. But that's another story!) And maybe there's also a part of me that afraid MC will be kind of weirded out, too, even though when we've been reluctant to bring up sex stuff before, he's like, "I've heard everything--I'm a psychologist!" But like, maybe I'm afraid he'll think I'm gross or something.

I know, I'm being really vague here because I feel weird sharing it in a publicly searchable forum (feel free to PM me if you really want to know, but I'll probably talk around it a bit). So it might be hard for you to advise me. Probably the best thing for me to do is talk about it more with T and see what she thinks. Like try to process it more with her and see if I can figure stuff out without talking to H. But at the same point, if I'm trying to be open and honest with him to repair our marriage.... I know at least a few of you in here have done marriage counseling, so just wanted some thoughts.

(I'll probably delete this in like 10 minutes, but it helped to type it out at least.)