So, to maybe explain a little more, part of what I'm talking about is something I feel a compulsion to think about during certain parts of sex, specifically, if someone is focusing on pleasuring me (as opposed to a mutual thing), or if I'm doing that to myself. Like something disgusting (not like a fetish). And what it means that I feel like I have to think about that, and if I don't, that something bad will happen (as I said, OCD). And how maybe that's related to me maybe not feeling like I deserve to have someone do that to me.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense the way I'm saying it...