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Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor
Hello Michael 77,
Being nice as you describe it means being phoney and only being and saying what your parents allowed, am I right? It is a way of painting a lie on what is really happening , and I recognize this myself-from some of my own life spent with alcoholic parents.
ITs not even about being nice, rather it's one way an alcoholic can control things in the family. Anger cant be expressed because its isnt nice. Being hurt cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Disagreeing cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Standing up for yoruself cant be expressed because that isnt nice.
Control and denial --that is what this is. ITs so important for the parents to maintain control and be able to deny their own problems and responsibilities that they come up consicously or not with this way of controlling other family members.
When we object or try to speak out or defend ourselves we often hear, "we dont talk about that. Thats not true! Shame on you! You dont love me! how can you say that and say you love me!"
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Yeah, I think that's one reason for being overly "nice" -- basically just submitting to the demands of people who want you to behave a certain way, and not step out of line.
I think there are other reasons for being "too nice, too. For instance, some people don't feel good about themselves (most ACAs), and so they run around trying to please, appease, and appeal to other people in various ways, one of which is by being "nice." It's basically just a way to get other people to like or approve of you.
Or, if you're scared of people, being Nice is a way to get them not to hurt you or get angry at you. After all, who could get angry at a person who is so nice all the time?