well.. you are right..
it is what it is... i dont care...
but im really confused... thats all...

grrr...

i was reading things i wrote years ago... its like not a moment has passed... how can i be so lost for so long... where have i been these pasy years......
just feels weird to read things and remember things... whatever....
headache

i drink beer tonight hehe... like to have a reason to feel strange... not just feel strange because im weird...
sorry... i dont want to disturbe anyone... i just write in that journal sometimes and i dunno... need someone else to write to me... maybe...
sometimes its not fun talking to myself... usually just end up more confused... wish it would pass... im so stupid right now... atleast 1 week has passed and i dont know about it... i mean i feel locked away...
well... sometimes it feels like im somewhere else... trying to tell the body what to do but only its doing what nees to be done... its dumb... dumb dumb dumb....
im scarey... but im not so scared i guess... is like there is nothing i can do, i have faced death in the face before and it just feels like that sometimes... an ultimate truth that you cant ignore or deny... it is what it is... but why its not helping my and making me feel like this i dunno...
blah... i hate trying to say things i dont know, just sounds stupid... hate making myself look stupid... but i always do embarrass myself... but at this point maybe i have to because i dont know what else to do....

sorry...
its all fine.... plese dont think bad of me...
this feelings i have been having for ever... i just... i always had excuses before....
yeah.... like.. i was stupid for doing everything i did.. but i just not able to handle some tings... i drank so much and did many drugs and just tryed to keep everything off... for so long... i would even sabatoge journals... so that i wouldn't write things... but i did find some writings... whatever.... im journaling now and im going to make myself keep it because i have to pay attention to whatever is.... i cant remember things so writing is my ownly option...
just dont like to be like this alone... people are going to persecute me... they already do... i dunno if i can handle it being more... but they dunno how much hurt they make doing things they say....


sometimes i feel like writing here just makes me feel worse...
like why am i going to tell someone or peoples i dont even know that im so hurt... or messed up... or i dont even know whats hapning...
i can be stupid sometimes... my only explanation... just hope that i dont make myself look so stupid as i make me self feel sometimes....

stuff is just hard... and my head hurts... and im tired... and i dont know anymore.. my head spins and i cant thinkin what i want to... its just too much....

im such an idiot

make no sense... just ignore me...
why...