I do not want to be powerful - that is my biggest fear - why would I want to be powerful? Power means separation to me. I fear that giving up self destruction means I will die...which I know that sounds bizarre because physically I'm 'dying' now but without self destruction all the doors, walls, and everything that keeps me together will crumble.

I have the power of choice and clearly I'm choosing self-destruction..... Because obviously I'm getting something positive out of it... I wouldn't say it was kindness, but there is something caring about hurting myself....