Thank you for the responses.
I think that in general, due to some circumstances of rejection and loneliness that I've experienced throughout of my life, I have developed several insecurities that don't let me socialize like most people would, or at least that is the way I feel. In general, communication is hard for me.
I've had my ups and downs all of my life. Yes, I have been to therapy, meds, support groups, etc. Some of these have served as a temporal solution, but not something permanent. Unless I need to go to therapy forever, which I don't find practical or affordable.
I really don't know if there is an alternative solution...??
I have been lonely all of my life, bullied, rejected. I am an adult now, and I can say that bullying and rejection still prevails in this stage of my life. It is more subtle than when you are a teenager or a child, but it still happens. For example, once I was invited to a night out with some colleagues, they ended up leaving me alone in a night club. Nobody apologised (except for one person). Other times, I just try to meet new people, invite them for coffee to talk to them and try to get to know them more so that we can become friends. Then, after that, I hear nothing back from them again. Since I am the one that takes the first step to invite them, I don't want to be insistent and always be the one that had to look for them, which I don't find fair. Even though, I do it sometimes. There are some people that after a coffee, they see me and act as if they don't even know me. I don't really understand this. I am not rude with them or anything. The only thing I figure is that it might be because I am quite shy and quiet. I do try to overcome this and make conversation but it is quite evident that I am an introvert. I don't think, though, that being an introvert gives other people the right to be rude or to just ignore you. There are very few people that are interested in knowing me and keeping in contact. Sometimes I think that I don't really fit in with most of the people. I think most people just go with the flow and always try to stick to outgoing attractive people that take the lead. Sometimes I think that if you are not outgoing, attractive, or have any other "desirable" feature (according to society's standards) people just don't want to be near you.
I have always felt inferior in a way. Not really because I believe that I am, but because most people don't show any interest in being with me. It is as if I know my worth but people don't think I am worth something. I've been told that knowing my own worth is enough. Yet, it is not that I am very concerned about what other people think about me, but being rejected and forced to live a lonely life just for being who I am hurts. It is the forced isolation that hurts me, more than anything.
I do have friends, I am not 100% lonely. I do appreciate them, but sometimes when I feel that I need company they are not available. That is because, of course they have a life of their own (other friends, boyfriends/husbands, children). I totally understand this, but realizing that I don't really have much of a life of my own hurts (except for my professional life). I have thought several times of meeting new people, but then again that means going again through the same rejection processes I go through most of the time. It is as if 90% of the people don't want to be my friends.Sometimes, I feel so hurt and tired that I just decide I am better off alone, even if it hurts.
My romantic life has never been satisfying either. I've had boyfriends yes, but never someone who I love. I never said that I've never had a relationship or that being ugly means that you'll never have one. In my opinion, love is more than appearances. Yet, for most people apparently this is not the case. I am not shallow and have dated tall men, short men, thin men, fat men, etc etc, all sorts. So, I don't think I have high standards. Yet (and I am sorry if I sound like a feminazi), it seems that most men are more shallow than most women. So, most men find me unattractive and won't even want to talk to me. I really haven't had a non conventional date (not anyone I met online) in years! It is as if after 30, your chances of meeting someone decreases dramatically. Since I've been hurt, rejected, dumped, mocked, overlooked, stood up, etc so many times, lately I don't feel like a woman anymore. What I am trying to say, is that it has been a very long time since the last time I felt desired at least a bit by a man. I've had unmeaningful sex, but stopped that because it only makes me feel empty. So, lately, I just feel like a being with no sexual identity. I know it sounds weird, but I do. When I look at myself at the mirror, I don't see a woman a man would love and need. I do believe that for other women, but not for me. So slowly, my libido and heart have been dying slowly and my illusions dissipating into thin air. I don't like this feeling. There is something very deep inside of me that doesn't want for that part of me to die. Yet, nothing in my life gives me a reason to keep that alive. Every day, my love life seems to worsen and the bad experiences keep getting worse and worse no matter what I do.
Many times I have felt in pain, but for the first time in my life the phrase "dying inside" makes total sense to me, because that is exactly how I feel. This obviously really concerns me. Help!