Work sucks right now. There are no two ways about it. My residency is simply not a good fit, and though I talked to the powers that be two weeks ago and they assured I would be reassigned, nothing has happened and I am three weeks from being off of orientation--and don't have much time left to learn a new department. I don't have a schedule past two weeks from now, so I can't plan my life past the middle of May. I used to love my job, but now a place which used to be a place of stability in my life in spite of whatever else was going on is a place which makes me anxious to even think about. I had an asthma attack prior to going to work this past Tuesday and, though I do have asthma, I've only ever had one other attack. I've been using my rescue inhaler almost every day because that tight feeling of not being able to breathe keeps coming back. It's not a panic attack, I'm just anxious and stressed enough that it's exacerbating the asthma. Which, even through my serious bouts of MI, has never happened before. While the work is stressful, it's not that I couldn't handle the job clinically; according to all of the necessary input, I was exactly where I needed to be. There were just a lot of other factors including some extremely toxic behavior from coworkers that I decided I didn't want to have as a part of my learning experience. And now, I'm starting to crumble, and my work is being affected by it, not to mention the rest of my life. My sleep (I barely sleep), my eating (I rarely eat), my health (see above), and my relationships. I have been trying to make a point to make plans with friends, but I've not been reaching out to them since all I want to do when I'm not at work is isolate, mainly because I'm exhausted. The couple that I've gone out with recently have been fellow healthcare workers, and all I've done is unload onto them, and that isn't an escape, and it isn't fair to them. I've been trying my DBT techniques to cope, but they either aren't working (when I've been aggressively and faithfully using them), I forget to use them (rarely), or I just shut down and willfully don't use them (the last few days). I know that is the least favorable option.

And, as I've mentioned before, it's affecting my long distance relationship. I thought all of my anxiety stemmed from work, and that was affecting how I interacted with him, but really they play off of each other. Work anxiety rises up in my interaction with him, and then I feel badly for doing or saying something snappy, and then I overcompensate for doing that, and then I feel badly because I'm getting clingy or naggy or whatever so then I try to control my behavior by controlling the situation ("I need to take a little break because..." "Maybe we shouldn't talk during the work day because..."). And that makes me anxious, too. And then I think worst case scenario and then just feel horrible all around.

Last night we attempted to Skype, and I feel like I get really excited to talk to him, and set myself up with expectations of how things are going to go. The thing is that I'm a talker (obviously, even when I'm not typing an anxious rant), and he isn't. He's a laid back small town Southern man with a type B personality to boot who really just lets things take their course. I am a Northern type A city girl who has to have a box checked for everything, has to know a plan for everything, has to have things settled. And the fact that he wasn't just readily bantering back and forth with me on Skype irritated me somehow, and my mind was like, "That's it. We have no compatibility." Well...no. Not necessarily. He's just not a trained monkey that's going to jump when I say jump. But in my anxiety, I let the irritation with him out a little (even though I was trying to keep it in) and he politely chose to end the conversation. I explained later, via text, how I felt, that I wasn't mad, and he isn't either. He just said he's worn out, and I understand that. Shoot, I'm worn out. So I just gave him space. I think he gives me a lot of leeway because of the job situation, but I don't know how much more he'll give. And I told him, plainly, that my fear of pushing him away causes anxiety which makes me act a little neurotic. He simply said, "It'll be okay." Sometimes that makes me feel more frustrated. But most of the time, that calms me right down. I just...I just wish he were here to say it to me.

I have sat here for about 30 minutes bawling my eyes out because I am just catastrophizing. About my job, about him, about life. I know we need to meet. He knows it. We talked about the fact that we can't make it on text alone yesterday. But we both have loose ends with work, and we're doing the best we can. My friend put major doubt in my brain today telling me if he wanted to make it work, he would, and he would come here not make me come there (he isn't making me, I offered). I have major doubts (in spite of all of the times he's said, "It'll be okay, really") because of the fact that our communication doesn't always flow. He doesn't tend to communicate on a deep level with me. He will consistently flirt with me, tell me I am funny, interesting, intelligent, and beautiful, but it is hard to pull much about him out. I do, but he doesn't offer it up. If I ask things, he'll tell me. He's open. He just doesn't converse quite the way I'm used to, and I am afraid that means he doesn't have chemistry with me. My other friend has read some of our flirty texts and tells me, "This is what text is for: the fun stuff. You want to have a deep conversation? Save it for the phone or Skype. Just have fun with the rest of it." I tend to think she's the one I should listen to.

I don't know. Yes, I'm anxious and ranting. I just want to feel better about the most major thing in my life, which is my livelihood. It is heartbreaking that something I worked so stinking hard for and looked so forward to doing is making me absolutely miserable. I want to go see the person who makes me smile on the most consistent basis so that I can know if we really are compatible...but mainly just to throw my arms around him, at least just once. Uncertainty is hard for me, and having it in my life for this long on so many important fronts is unraveling me, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep myself together. I don't cry very often anymore, but I have been crying so much lately. I cry almost every day on the way home from work, almost every night I cry myself to sleep. I cry so much I have to use eyedrops because my eyes are dried out. I know I sound like a drama queen, but it's true.

Sorry for the long post.