Hello,
My name is Lola. I'm in therapy with a psychologist for the umpteenth time, for various reasons (History of ADD, depression, anxiety, some autistic features, and a garden variety dysfunctional family/ messed up childhood). I have father hunger issues from having a dad (who I now realize has Asperger's) who abandoned me at age 2, taking my two older brothers with him, leaving my mom and me alone. I'm married going on 20 years, and while I love my husband, trust is difficult for me, and I feel like I always have one foot out the door. This has been a huge issue for us. We have two kids, one of whom is on the autism spectrum, and we decided to stay together for their benefit, because both of us came from such bad family situations growing up. We want better for them. And I do love the guy.... 20 years is a long time. Lots of emotions get stirred up when you've been stewing together that long. I'm leaving out a lot of stuff.

Anyway, I've been seeing this psychologist for 6 months. He might think I'm nuts, I am not sure. I am a grad student in a challenging program at a good school, so he knows I am smart. But I can see his wheels turning when I mention things that seem remotely like magical thinking. He's quite paternal, and I like him a lot. His boundaries are fairly strict. They were less strict at first, before he realized all the issues I have and thought I was maybe just a stressed out student. Now his emails are like a few words if he responds at all. I am ok with that, because I know I am a person who pushes boundaries. He is just trying to preserve the sanctity of the therapeutic environment.

I feel sort of attracted to him, (he is 20 years older) but from what I have read that is not uncommon, and could be me unconsciously trying to sabotage the work we are doing. I feel strong transference towards him, in that he reminds me a bit of an ex-boss who was very fatherly to me, and to whom I was also quite attracted. I feel strongly like I want to please him, and wonder if that affects the things I say in session. He's very closed about his own life, which I understand... The primal part of me wants a hug more than anything, but the more evolved part of me knows that would be a very bad thing. I have sort of obsessively checked his picture a few times a week for a few months, but I can't explain exactly why I do this. I'm pretty confused about my feelings for him, and would like tips on how to make it stop, and how to feel less dependent on him and our sessions in general. I'm a lonely person, with a few friends but no one who really gets me...so projection is sort of my superpower (not a very useful superpower, kinda gets in the way)...
Anyway, thanks for listening. Looking forward to reading other posts here.
Lola