I've been really overwhelmed for weeks, and now that I've escaped a horrible living situation - I keep thinking "escaped" though my psychologist told me not to... - I find myself overspending, making poor decisions, and really worried about money. Unable to even enjoy the road trip.

I'm on my way to a much better place, but I still find the thoughts seeping in that I wish I were on my way to those eternal pastures. I don't want that, I've got hope for the first time in years...or at least, I've got reason to hope. This is truly a new beginning. The trouble is, I haven't hoped for new beginnings in so long...I feel like I've lost all hope, and now the thing is a real possibility, I don't even know how to seize it and make good. I feel strangely...stunned. I had this weird feeling of almost emptiness after the painful relief, gratitude, and quasi euphoria faded. Even during the "escape" I think I kind of felt too stressed out and fearful to feel truly happy...it was more like I was trying hard to stay in the sort of internal position of a "good girl" (before God basically) so as not to have this favor taken away from me. I hate to say that...I think part of the problem is chemical, too, which I won't go into. But I think I haven't felt truly happy in...a frighteningly long time.

As far as the external issues -- Even if I overspend, I've done some calculating, and I'll have money to last until at least July. (Laying aside the building debts of old that I just can't worry about right now - I can start repaying those come fall, hopefully.) I just need to get a new job soon. And I'm a student, fresh out of undergrad, so believe me, I'm willing to work almost any job over the summer (before I start my MA program). I don't think it can possibly be that hard to find gainful employment of some kind for a few months.

Granted, I haven't looked in years...and I had work-related traumas at a very young age, so I've had this fear ever since that I'll never be able to find a decent job. I think that fear is irrational, though, a kind of phobia. I'm really scared, though, that I won't be able to get, or keep, a job. There's also the fact that I've been terribly isolated all my life after a childhood of severe neglect and abuse. I've never really known how to maintain or even build good relationships, and I've somehow managed to burn bridges with most of my references, even personal ones. There are some people that I could possibly ask. I don't know. Do employers even check references?

I do feel better after writing this out...I think I really need to talk it over with someone, and don't know when I'll have access to counseling next. I've left one school, and have started the next. If anyone knows of free/cheap resources, online or in person, I'd be really grateful if you let me know.

I still get really scared sometimes, of the suicidal thoughts...and also of this feeling that I'm deadening myself inside anyway, by progressively disconnecting from myself over the years. I feel like what I really need, in order to heal, is to reconnect. With myself, with humanity, with...reality. I think the threat of winding up dead on the outside comes from cutting myself off from these things, not even necessarily from the pain of actually feeling...if that makes sense.

I didn't really mean for this to be so long. I've been bottling things up for a long time, though. Thanks for reading, and for any advice/support you might have.