Yeah I'm licensed.

I can't take leave; I just started.

Most hospitals ask for a contract.

I'm making an effort to communicate with friends, and do have some plans to do things. And I'm making attempts at self care. It's frustrating when my usual coping mechanisms aren't working right now. Heck, I got a massage today, and came out just as tense as when I went in. Heck, maybe even more so...she was kind of aggressive. :/

I am not having an issue with the work, it's just that the particular department is not a good fit, and it is obviously not a priority to management to move just me. The anxiety of feeling like my concerns are being ignored is becoming overwhelming. I'd like to say I can suck it up and just do my work, but I'm new. I need the support of my peers in order to do my job, and I am not confident I have that.

My T says a lot of things about it, she is basically supporting my need to get somewhere where I have peace of mind and can be successful. It's not an. "OMG, I can't do this," but a thing where I just don't want to be stuck for three years in a toxic environment. Basically, though, I feel like I just need to complete residency (so like, a little over a year) and then I could cut and run. Really, what are they going to do if I don't complete three years? They aren't paying for my BSN completion; I'm not signing that contract because I don't want to be stuck for another 7 years. They'll tell the next hospital I try to work for I cut out on my contract, but in this day and age, there will be another hospital who hires me. While it may not be ideal, I have a lot of prior healthcare experience, and I believe will find another job. A former coworker of mine was fired, and had a job in the hospital up the hill within a month. I'm a nurse. There are jobs. I just need to get a year's worth of experience, at least.

PS I talked to JD tonight and said that I felt I had treated him unfairly. When I spoke to my T earlier this week she said that, whatever my anxieties, I need to take it down to the fact that he had his out, but he chose to come back knowing how difficult and neurotic I am (she didn't say it like that, those are words I'm using). I've questioned and questioned him, and he's still staying steady. I decided to call him and tell him basically what I just typed and his reaction was, "Yep. Exactly." I said, "I get so anxious with work stuff, and it spills over and then I start thinking, well, maybe he changed his mind by now. But you're an adult, and you can make up your own mind and if you change your mind, you wouldn't be here." And he said, "Yep. And besides, I have the option to just pause you every so often." He means that he can mute the FB conversation or put notifications on mute. And I think sometimes that's necessary, sometimes I can be too much. I had a feeling he did this. I'm glad he acknowledged it. And I don't mind; I said I get it, and it's okay. I think if we were local, we wouldn't make it right now because we'd be around each other more and he couldn't just mute me, haha. I said, "I don't mind you muting me if I get to be too overwhelming, as long as you don't do it too long, and you come back," He said, "Yep. I will. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." Cue the warm fuzzies. We did talk briefly about the anxiety, and he said he understands that I'm in a really uncomfortable place which he's been in before, and that I need to remember to breathe every so often. This is true.