I struggle with self-hatred too. I even mutter it out loud over and over. You've had a terrible time with your birth parents and your adoptive parents so i think it is only natural that you'd struggle with feelings of rejection. Our parents have a powerful effect on us. We're just innocent, vulnerable children and their behavior can wound us so easily. It sounds like you've moved on to have your own family and that that is going better with your loving children. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to hate yourself. Have you had any therapy about your early experiences? DBT? It sounds like you really want to feel better and have the insight to make some progress. I hope you get some help. Not sure if this was too helpful -- your post really moved me and i wanted to offer some support but i'm no professional. I hope things go better for you! You deserve to be happy!