Okay so I have been drinking all night which is definitely not good with my heavy med load but at least I still had enough common sense to skip the sleeping pills. I am very prone to seizures so I still had to take my regular meds. I have passed out twice and both times as soon as I wake I make another drink.

My wife went to visit her daughter in the main city in my province and every time I am left alone I drink. Maybe because I have zero friends and have cut off ALL ties with both my large family and her even larger family.

I know that nobody can can stand to be around me and I understand why but it still hurts. My wife is my only friend in the world. I remember when I used to drink at bars all day I had lots of friends but as soon as I quit drinking (for seven years) I had none. Although most of them Have dies through alcohol related incidents.

I guess the main point I should make is that I am so totally depressed by the state of the world brought about by the USA and drinking makes me think about it constantly. I am afraid of the changes that are coming so much so that I often have tremors of fear. I don’t know why I can not change the future.

I hate world for all of the evil people, I hate myself for not doing anything to change it and I hate myself for being so severely bipolar (et al) that I don’t even try to make change when I know that every voice matters.

I just had to some stuff off my chest by posting this. I’m not sure if it will help me at all.

Thanks for reading this!