So...I know I've been around the past few days and talking crap about not SI'ing to others but the simple fact is I've got every bracelet I own on my wrists and it's not doing any good. So I added a few scratches (but no blood, can't do it)and now I feel better...somewhat.

This is a really crappy month for me. My son's birthday is the 30th and that's the only good day. My "mother" (mother-in-law) died last year on Nov 19. Her birthday was yesterday, which was a bad day for me. She was my mother, then I feel so stupid because she wasn't my mother but I know she loved me. And I loved her immensely and respected her always! Well I was with her when she died last year. We were talking and helping her into a chair and she just died. There one minute, gone the next and my world was turned upside down. She was still "breathing" while we called 911 but it was not the breath of life and I just kept thinking in the ambulance that she was going to be okay. We would not lose both parents within 6 months. No way. But we did and I was just devastated. I pulled it together for the kids, which means that I stuffed it all down and it came back to bite me in the butt. I've been SH'ing for years but haven't cut in awhile, actually a longggggg while. I usually just pull my hair out or won't let sores heal. I do things to hurt myself, pinching, etc. just to make it real.

Now I feel like such a disappointment because my mother in law told me 3 years ago when my stepdad died of an accidental poisoning, and I sat with him holding his hand for three hours until he passed away and it was a horrific experience but no one else could so I did it. Alone in a room, holding the cold hand of a man I could barely recognize. My mother-in-law told me I had no nerves, I was too strong, she didn't see how I could stand it. So that was me...the rock...everyone leaned on me. Everyone. Now I feel like a disappointment because I need someone to lean on so bad right now. I'm not as strong as she thought and I think to myself would she be disappointed. My heart says no but my mind says yes and that is more than I can bear. I hate talking to my husband about it because I know he has his own issues with it, it was HIS mother and I hate to keep bringing it up to him. So I smile and pretend everything is fine and he knows better, but when he asks I won't tell him.

I hope this all makes sense. Sorry to dump on you all. I had to get it all out. It's driving me crazy.

Many blessings to you all!
(((hugs)))
Kimberly.