MC,
I feel like I should e-mail you to apologize for the texts, because I'm concerned you haven't replied because you're annoyed or tired of me or realized you shouldn't be communicating with me so much separately from H. But then I think about how it hasn't even been 24 hours since I sent you the first text (which was late at night, so you probably didn't see it till this morning), it's a Saturday, you're off Monday so you might be out of town (maybe even someplace without good cell coverage), and you said a while back when I thought you hadn't responded to something because you were trying to teach me to "sit with the anxiety" that you wouldn't do things like that--you'd be straight with me, not play some sort of psychological game. And the one time you asked what I thought you'd do if I called you multiple nights in a row for non-crisis things, and I said you'd block my number or tell me to stop F-ing calling you...you said it really bothered you that I think you'd do something like that. And just recently you confirmed that even if some of the techniques with your voice and body language are learned, the caring part is real. So I know I need to just chill.

Doesn't help that T never wrote back to me either. So I feel awkward about contacting her again, but maybe over e-mail? Since I usually e-mail her a lot anyway. I think it's just hard because I have this thing I want to talk about, and, besides H, only you and T know about it (I guess I could talk to my one friend about it). But I feel like you or T would understand the best what I'm dealing with psychologically, and I want to talk about it now, not on Tuesday or Wednesday, when I see each of you.

Maybe tomorrow being Mother's Day is somehow triggering me, too? And since I'll be seeing my parents? And feel weirdly guilty about all the secrets? And thinking of what my mom would think of me if she knew? It's probably some combo of all of those things, plus having to talk about the stuff from January and my past sexual history and everything at the clinic.

Even if I just knew you (and T) had read my texts and thought about me for even a few seconds, that would help. Like just write "thanks" or "glad you're doing better" or something. But it's the weekend, so really, just enjoy the weekend, be with your family, it's time to think about them, not me. But of course, I still want you to think about me. I'm such a mess... And insecure attachment sucks...