I just need to write this where I might be able to talk about it (have t on Monday, but that's far away)... I do not have DID, just severe dissociative episodes sometimes.

Since mid-week, my dissociation has been getting more intense. I know I have not been sleeping well, along with having flashbacks, and persistent urges to self-harm. They're all increasing in intensity as time goes on. I haven't been like this in about a year. It's frustrating. I was hoping to be done with it.

Thursday night/early Friday am, I had a hypnogogic hallucination (like when you suddenly jolt in bed as you are falling asleep, only I hard a voice)... I'm beginning to think I was trying to give myself a heads-up that things were getting worse (the whisper said "who's coming?"). The day before this happened, I had noticed my emotions changing and my thought patterns shifting to what I call my "defiant teenager" state. I thought I was able to handle it ok at the time. I was able to recognize what was going on and ground myself back to a more adult line of thinking, though not totally leave the "teenage" emotions behind... I don't want to ignore them. I don't want to disrespect that part of myself, but I do want to maintain my stability.

Reigning in those emotions worked for a handful of hours on Wednesday. Since then, I've noticed myself feeling more distant. I feel like I watching myself do everything from behind my eyes. It feels like i'm on autopilot. Those "teenage" lines of thinking and emotion states are very pronounced. I've given in to the self-harm twice already (after not having self-harmed in several months). I notice my thinking is stuck in a defiant/rebellious/i-don't-give-a-f***-what-you-think-i'm-gonna-do-what-i-want train. I feel like i'm constantly having conversations with a bratty 17-year-old in my head about even the most mundane decisions.

I just have to get through the rest of today, and tomorrow. Then I see t on Monday, and we can address this. It's so uncomfortable tough. And i'm kinda worried it might be the beginning of another crash... I really don't want to crash. I could probably text t for support, but I'm not really sure what she could do. She'd tell me to use my coping skills and work on grounding. I'd tell her the things I've tried, how they haven't worked, and she'd suggest trying other things I haven't tried. The teenager in my head will just smile and nod and refuse to change things up. T will get frustrated, tell me to stay safe, and remind me of our appointment on Monday... so yeah, that would be useless and frustrating for us both.

I dunno. I want to say this is a weird feeling, but it's only weird because it hasn't happened in quite a while (and maybe because this time I'm a bit more aware of it happening).

I tried art and music to help ground, but that's not doing it. Now I switched to a comforting song that normally helps me ground. I have it on infinite repeat, hoping it will work it's magic. I had taken the dogs out earlier, but the sh urges are intensified by walking, so that didn't last long. I probably shouldn't be driving since I was pretty loopy with it yesterday when I tried. My wife will be home soon though, so maybe that will help...

Thanks for reading if you managed to get through that. Sorry about the atrocious autocorrect mistakes I'm sure I missed along the way. I was trying to correct them as I went, but my fuzzy brain is getting in the way now.