I’m posting something here because I don’t know what to do with myself anymore and I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel so lost and confused. Sorry that this turned out to be a long post.

First of all I haven’t been able to concentrate on my schoolwork for maybe 2 years now. I’m 22 and at university. I just can’t bring myself to study anymore and when I do bring up the courage I don’t memorize things as well as I used to. All I feel like doing is lying in bed all day with my laptop doing nothing productive, even though I know that I should be studying and part of me wants to study. But it’s like when I’m doing other things, I don’t have to think about everything that still needs to be done. I’m basically procrastinating I and pretending my tasks don’t exist for as long as possible. I just can’t bring myself do to any tasks anymore and almost don’t feel stressed about school anymore either. I really want to get my degree this year, but it’s like part of me doesn’t care. It makes me feel really lazy and guilty and that’s not what I want. I just spend most of my time alone in my room or something. Even during holidays when I have no schoolwork I just hang around.

Secondly I’ve been dealing with self-esteem issues for a long time. I was chubby as a teenager, lost the weight and recently gained it again. I’ve also been dealing with hirsutism since I was a teen. I just feel really ugly and it’s taking over my life. When I walk down the street I constantly check myself in the reflection of the windows of stores. I just feel so ugly and worthless. I think about it almost every day and it makes me cry like once a week. I’ve also never had a relationship and almost no guy has ever shown interest in me. But I also only had a crush on someone once in my life. The fact that no one seems interested in me and I don’t seem to be able to fall in love either makes me fear that I’m never going to find someone and I’m going to end up completely alone. I know this might sound ridiculous since I’m only 22, but it’s seriously bringing me down. I feel more and more that something’s wrong with me for never liking someone and other people never liking me, even though the rest of the world seems to have no problem with dating and finding romance, regardless of whether those relationships end well or not.

I’ve just been feeling so down and lonely and I don’t know what to do anymore. Even writing this post made me tear up. I feel guilty because a lot of people have it worse than me, yet I can’t bring myself to feel good. I’ve read online about depressions, but I don’t think it’s bad enough for depression because I don’t feel sad or down 24/7. I do still have good days and it’s usually in the evening that I feel like crap. I did go to my gp for my concentration problems with school and I told him I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. He did a blood test but couldn’t find anything. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I feel sad, worthless and guilty, but I feel like I have nowhere to turn to and I don’t know how to solve this anymore. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.