I feel alone. I found out this year that someone very close to me molested me when we were kids. And I forgave them externally, but internally I feel hurt and confused. I've always had a strong sexual appetite, bordering on addiction, probably addiction. It has gotten in the way of relationships, but I always took it as incompatibility.
Now I feel unsure of everything. I feel like I have always suffered from some form of anxiety or depression, but I always kept most feelings to myself. But they feel like they're taking over. I can't just watch tv and play a game and get distracted. The unease is always lurking.
I'm in a relationship with a great guy, but I'm always worried about something or unhappy. Everything has to be going a certain way, our apartment has to be clean, we have to spend a certain amount of time enjoying each other's company or I feel like everything is going wrong. And he wants to understand but he doesn't. Probably because I don't really understand everything that is going on with me mentally.
I don't know which way is up anymore. I want to be strong. I want to have the courage to make my dreams come true, but I feel so limited, so insignificant. I want help but I don't feel capable of going through the effort. My debts are piling up, my job bores me but pays well. I feel overwhelmed and tired. I wish the worries would disappear. I dont know how to cope with adulthood.
I've tried seeking professional help, but I never felt comfortable enough to completely open up. Every suggestion she gave sounded like something I'm not ready to try. I feel like a turtle trapped in my shell. I want to come out, but the world outside my shell is too scary.