I was first dx'd no when I was 14, I'm 38 now. I will go through periods where I understand I have no (usually when I'm depressed), but other times I will flat out deny it, usually to my treatment team. My treatment throughout the years has been inconsistent. Partly because of me, partly because the clinics I go to can't seem to keep staff retained.

Over the past 2 years have flat out denied I was bipolar, maintained I have ptsd, which is true but my pdoc mentioned she thinks I'm hypomanic now and it got me thinking again that maybe yes I really am some version of bipolar.

My most troubling symptoms are intense paranoia, hearing sounds from strange buzzing to drumming, vibrant color shifts in my vision that could be due to migraines. Racing thoughts, irritability. Hyperreligiosity. Other obsessions. Here and there substance abuse. Currently sober.

I'm married to a very patient spouse but he's skeptical of psychiatry, so he will go along with me on my "I don't need treatment" jags.

I just needed to get this out. Any support is appreciated.